I almost let it a couple times. I started really struggling to remember who I was for awhile. I stopped laughing as much. I started really feeling the heaviness of life in an unbearable way. This dark cloud was following me in such a real way that people noticed. It was terrible. But every time I thought things HAD to start looking up soon, a new crushing blow would come my way. I was considering waving my white flag of surrender and just curling up and closing my eyes. You win, world. YOU WIN. 

I’m a firm believer in God’s word. He says he’s my strength in my weakness. He says I should DELIGHT in moments like this so that His glory/strength/sovereignty can be seen. But as I lay in bed the other night... fervently praying, tears streaming down my face, feeling absolutely suffocated by life... I couldn't help thinking of Psalm 38:10, "my heart pounds, my strength fails me, even the light has gone from my eyes." 

What's next, Lord? Will I be able to face it? I don't think I can.

And yet, this little verse in Nehemiah kept resounding deeply in my heart. 
the joy of the Lord is my strength... 

The joy of knowing God...the joy of being known BY Him...the joy of being claimed and called His daughter...the joy of His blood completely cleansing my sin-stained life...the joy of knowing one day, this will all be behind me...and I’ll stand in His presence and worship for unending days, never to have a tear fall from my eye again. Never to feel the darkness stretch its hand toward my heart and threaten to smother me.

That is JOY. That joy is my STRENGTH.

Circumstantially-speaking, life has been a ridiculous mess. 

Eternally-speaking, this is a drop in the bucket. These moments of heart ache, confusion, and frustration are going to become dust. I won’t take them with me. There is joy to be found even amongst the junk piles I’m wading through. 

This won’t last. 
This will not define me. 

When the world around me crumbles, He will be strong.
He will be strong. 

just a brief list of recent happenings:

1. firstly, there was this sunset a couple weeks ago.

i saw it starting on my drive home from work. i was literally giddy...as you probably know what a freak i am about sunrises and sunsets. i drove to a high point in West Seattle, jumped out of my car, blasted "Life in Technicolor" on my ipod and sat on a hillside to watch. it got better with each passing moment. i was so overwhelmed by how freaking beautiful God is, i actually teared up. you ever have those experiences or moments? i decided i would live very happily as a sunset-chaser. 

2. my aunt came to town two weekends ago. it was her first time in the Pacific Northwest & the first time her and i have really ever spent a lengthy amount of time just the two of us. a total joy to have her here & i always feel ridiculously proud of the city i live in when i show around first-timers. we hit up Pike's and the needle and Alki. it's a world of difference than what she's used to in Los Angeles. her last night in town, my roommate & i fixed her up some homemade tacos and rum & cokes. she thought that was hysterical. we're real classy up here... what can i say?

3. if you have access to TV, radio, or facebook, you know allll about Snowmageddon by now. the week-long snow, ice, and power outage escapades that had our city shut down and inoperable. now i know there are all sorts of haters out there who have mocked Seattle for what 6 inches of snow did to us. i don't blame you. but this city is just NOT snow ready. everyone lives on hills. steep hills. there's about two snow plows trying to keep the main roads clear, but they can only do so much. anywho, it was chaos. i ended up having the entire week off of work which was an unexpected DELIGHT. i spent a lot of time in pajamas, watching LOST seasons with my roomster. but still managed to get to see/spend time with a number of wonderful people throughout the week.

highlights of Snowmageddon would probably include:
- "Framily" dinner @ the Wag's...which we decided to make a themed night...a poetry-reading, beatnik night...so much goodness, i can't begin to cover it
- coffee/couch date with Mrs. Eryka Sayovitz... a JOY since it'd been way way too long since our last one
- community group (our last as one massive group)
- dinner at the Low's
- coffee with the Van Liew's (they came back from Hawaii just before the ice storm kicked in...welcome home!) 
- the freak of nature ice storm (freezing rain...not hail...hard to explain) that froze over all our windows making them look like stained-glass

- walks to get my caffeine fix every day
- all the gracious rides from people with 4-wheel drive
- Amanda & I being saved by the Winston's after a particularly stir-crazy evening and playing many rounds of Clue & Phase 10 with Jill & Kelsey

- impromptu game night at the Winston's on another evening with the Hills, Blagovichs and Ryno  
- floats and fries downtown with Ryan Brooksy & Lauren on the first day the roads were clear enough to drive on
- coffee date with Debbie
- more community chaos @ the Wag's for after-church lunch. there may or may not have been an attempt at a giant, mega gummy bear...  
 

so all-in-all, i have absolutely zero complaints about Snowpocalypse 2012. in fact, i loved it. 

4. i really love my "new" community group. the new structure, the new intensity... it's rocking my world. more on that soon.

5. learning lots (as per usual) about my general "suckiness"...and how Jesus took care of it ALL on the cross...and how everyday he's raising the dead in me and changing me more into the woman he wants me to be. it's a process that always gets harder before it gets easier. 

there's more. there's always lots more. 
until next time...

xo 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, especially given the event of this past week, who I’m featuring today. Now, to be fair, I’ve already given these people many shout-outs before, but it’s because they deserve them… and my life is made BETTER because they are in it.

Today, it’s the Winstons.

They’re on my mind because I just spent a few days, completely out of my mind on pain meds and in misery, laying on their couch being loved on by them. After a bout of oral surgery, Carol tended to me nonstop… administering my pills, keeping ice on my face to reduce swelling, changing out (grossly blood-soaked) gauze from my mouth, and trying to get me to eat and stay hydrated..most of which I couldn’t even fully appreciate because I was so out of it. Jill hung out and watched endless movies with me for the passing moments I was awake. And Tim was constantly asking what he could do for me and if I was comfortable enough.

This is just a picture of how I’ve been blessed by this family.

When I first began attending the Van Liew’s community group, Tim & Carol were already a part of it. But it wasn’t until 8 months later that our paths really crossed. No…more than crossed…merged. Through an impossibly hard season of life, I got a phone call from Carol asking me if I would like to come over for dinner and talk things through with them. We had never talked much in group, and you could tell she was a little nervous about calling too. But there’s something you must know about the Winstons… they are Spirit-led people. They go outside their comfort zone to love when God calls them to. And God was calling her to reach out to me. At a time in my life where I was feeling isolated and scared and pushing everyone I knew away, I felt an odd sense of comfort from this woman. I didn’t know why, but I accepted their offer.

And my life has never been the same.

My relationship with them has grown in massive ways in the past 3 years… first with my deepening friendship with Carol, then Tim stepping in as my Seattle-dad and protector, then their daughter Jill and I becoming like sisters. They have completely opened their lives and home to me. Everyone knows I refer to them as my Seattle family, and for good reason. Although I have an amazing family back at home, I needed something in proximity. God answered that prayer. I now am over at their house at least once a week, spending family time with them in some capacity. 

They know how to listen… like DEEPLY listen to you. They hear what I say, and they hear the things I don’t say. They ask me questions, they challenge me. They aren't afraid to tell me what I don't want to hear. When life is so hard that all I want to do is cry, they sit and comfort. When life is joyous and full of good things, we share hilarious stories and laughter. They have seen me through a million ups and downs in my Seattle saga… consistently LOVING me like I was their own daughter. I find that whenever something goes down, they are the first people I want to go process with. They offer perspective that I could never hope to attain by myself.

I could never write enough about them. They are a blessing I never saw coming and still know I don’t deserve. They love Jesus, they love each other, and from those things…they love others. And they do it well. And I am beyond fortunate to be on the receiving end of this love.

Volume two. That’s a wrap.

xo